The Joys of Awkwardness

Every guy has had it done, and will continue to do it until he dies. So long as he has a job, yearly (or routine) health physicals must be conducted. And I know every man HAS to dread it. Not only do you have to sit there for 30 minutes filling out paper work, then sit around and wait for another 15-20 minutes, then get your blood drawn, ekg, and so on. Of course the moment every straight man can't stand is when the doctor checks for a hernia. "Ok, I need you to drop your pants, and turn your head and cough" echo's in our pain-staking mind as he violates you. And I don't care if you're Mr. Long-Dong Won, your respective "piece" sucks up back inside you like an innie belly button...cause if it doesn't, then you must be swinging the bat in the other direction if you know what I mean. Anyhow, it just really sucks. Even though it's only for medical reasons, there's nothing in the world that makes a man feel so uncomfortable when another man has to examine your "junk." But, fortunately (unless you have a problem) he's never long down there. Now, if you're lucky like one of my good friends, he managed to have a female doctor do the deeds. Apparently, the female doctor had another female intern (supposedly both Dr. and intern were lookin fairly good) in the room observing the proper procedures. Which in his case, he popped some semi-wood to "impress" the ladies...not on purpose of course; so he says. Ahhh, the joys of getting old! Isn' there a better way???

Thanks for nothing Hallmark...

So my wife asks me the other day when Easter is. My reply to her not only got me an evil eye, but a smart-ass response. So, I began going on a tangent asking her if she even knew what the reasoning behind Easter is. Dead silence. I laughed and said, "See, I guarantee over half of America couldn't even answer that." It's unfortunate that today's consumerism has corrupted every damn holiday. Let me explain...

1)New Years-Party hats, favors, Leis, beads, horns, etc.
2)Valentine's-Fruity Cards, Teddy Bears, Lingerie, flowers, etc.
3)St. Patricks-Anything green, alcohol, shamrocks (and all of a sudden, everyone's Irish)
4)Easter-Chocolate rabbits, eggs, gifts, etc.
5)Independence Day-Fireworks, (even though everyone all of a sudden becomes patriotic [which is good] but only lasts for a day) Flags
6)Halloween-costumes, candy, candy, and more candy, retarded ass decorations you wonder later why the hell you bought, etc
7)Thanksgiving-Probably the only legitimate holiday since it's not usually blown out of proportion (i.e. little decorations, no gifts)
8)Christmas-Do I even need to explain?

So you get the point, right? It seems like there is some sort of "theme" to every holiday...why is that? Who do we blame? Hallmark? Wal-Mart? The flower shops? It seems the basic principles of the given holiday has been lost. Here's my take on the conspiracy...

Unjustified:
-New Years, and St. Patrick's are 2 days that make it acceptable to get shit-faced drunk and party.
-Valentine's and Halloween are 2 bullshit "filler" holidays to make profit.
-Easter and Christmas are probably the worst holidays mainly because the focus has been completely taken away from the reasoning of the holiday in the first place. Chistmas (as far as I know) is suppose to be a day celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Yet, it somehow was lost into a worship of a chubby bastard in a red spandex suit who flies over our roof tops and delivers presents...only after eating cookies and washing them down with milk. And Easter, suppose to be the celebration of Jesus' death, and the resurrection. Again, its misdirected worship turns to a bunny suit wearing cheese dick that little kids get their picture taken with, and these little crumb snatchers get fueled up and stoned on chocolate and anything else that's laced with sugar.
Justified:
Independence seems genuine enough that it's acceptable. American's celebrating our many generations of freedom and paying respect to the flag. I just wish it happened everyday, not once a year. And who can turn down a true celebration without some big bang!
Thanksgiving is probably the one (and only) true holiday left. Getting together with your family, and sharing a great feast. No gimmicks included. Just family, friends, and food...topped off with some football.

Ok, now that I've given my examples, I want to be sure to disclose that I'm not some hate-filled anti-holiday scrooge. I have two kids, and I see the other side of all the holidays. You have to make it entertaining for them aswell. But when is it enough? When is it TOO much? Also, I'll advise that I'm no where near a religous person...not to say I don't believe in God either. But commercialism has raped today's society. I wish things were simple, like they once were, that's all.

Penny sucking leeches!

You may, or may not know this already, but this is something easily looked over. The other night, I thought it would be nice if my daughter and I would go out for a bite to eat at McDonald's. The main reason I decided to go there, was because of the Shamrock Shakes they usually have at this time of year...which they surprisingly didn't have them only being a week after St. Patricks Day. Anyhow, we had a nice, quiet dinner and my wife calls up and asked if they had chicken noodle soup. My son was sick, and since I was already there to get it nice and warmed, she asked me to grab some. No big deal, right? Well, I walk to the counter and ask if they had any, which they did. She goes and gets it, and rings it up...$2.08. And that was for a small. I get back home and drop it off to my wife, and just as I pass it to her, I drop the receipt. After the exchange, I picked up the receipt and looked at it. Not that I was really pissed about this, but there was a .12 cent surcharge for a "dining in." First of all, I did ask her for a take out bag of chicken noodle soup, but that's not so much an issue. I began to think about this, and wondered how many people each day go in and get items to go, and get that surcharge. The amount of money they "steal" has got to add up to a lot of money. Figure, 15 million customers a day, times .12 cents? That's $1,800,000!! A DAY!!! And that's just McDonalds! Take in consideration of all the other fast food chains. Well, I never thought I would be such a cheap ass to look at my receipt to ensure a insignificant .12 cent surcharge is added, but I think from now on I will. Just for the principle of not giving that .12 cents to them. It's not like I even eat out that much to begin with, but can you believe how much profit is made in one day from rediculous charges like a "dining in" surcharge? Unreal...

~I'm back!~

Once was lost, but now is found! It's been a while since I've posted, and I'm not sure how often I am able to. I'll shoot for a bi-weekly post. Anyhow, I'm back from the grave, and hopefully will be putting my 2 cents of opinion into everyday society. Stand by for more...

Mr. Hockey ain't got nothing on me!

So for the first time in over 12 years, I played a pick-up game of ice hockey tonight. And it's probably been over 9 years since I last played roller hockey. So needless to say I was real rusty. But overall, I'd have to say I didn't too bad especially since it's been so long. I made a few good plays, and I felt great afterwards...well, with the exception of a couple blisters on the inside of my heels. I think I would've made ol' Gordie proud. I do have to apologize to Cullster since I made a nice head on collision with him. I was looking to my left, and I noticed something last minute on my right and it was too late to stop. It was the old "deer in the headlight" factor. And it's not like I can stop on a dime either, so we collided with force. Actually, come to think of it, I was laying on the ice more than I was probably up on my skates! Hell, if I didn't know any better, you could have just called me a zamboni! I'd charge full steam ahead, and just when I realized that I needed to stop, I'd try to slam on the brakes with no luck and end up with a face full of slush! But I had a blast doing it all. And I'm even though I'm exagerating a little, I still plan on making this a full time deal. One thing is for certain, and I'm feeling my age a little after tonight. Of course the factors would include me not working out or being physically active as much as I should, so may this will help. So maybe when I continue with this bi-weekly tradition, I'll be able to feel like I should at this ripe age of 27. Well, it's time for me to shower up and end this pointless blog entry. Maybe my next entry will actually be interesting!

Handicap...my ass you are!!

It never seems to amaze me how people manage to get handicap stickers. Don't get me wrong...those in need of it, deserve it. But what exact draws the line for christ sake!

So today, my family and I go to the near by Wendy's and I park at the first parking space to the left of a handicap spot. In my few moments of obsession compulsion, I always have to face the window of a resturant...or if no windows are available, I have to sit with my back to the wall. And for the record, any of you "Paid Professional" Psychologists reading this can comment on why one does this...not you back-woods bullshit psychologists! Anyhow, I'm looking out the window while eating my ceasar salad and jr. bacon cheeseburger staring into a daze. I see a car pull into the handicap spot at mach 3, almost blasting into my car. So of course getting a slight temper from that, I watch the "crippled" joke, not walk, or cane themself to the door, but jogs in and proceed to the order line. I start to laugh to myself in disbelief of the whole deal...and continue on with my meal. After about 10 minutes later, my family finished up and started back to the car, but only for the beginning of shock. My wife and I get our kids in their seats, and I happen to look over at the car next to us. Damned if it wasn't the same "crippled" bastard...sitting in his car eating. His wife in the back seat, laying across the seat eating aswell. After help my child with the car seat, I close the door, and looked over again. I see these 50-60 year old slack-asses playing grab ass in their car like a bunch of teenagers. Throwing my arms up and laughing, I make eye contact with the old hag in the back seat and say "oh, ok...they must be handicapped in the head!" Of course they stare at me wondering what that was all about as I drive away.

Well, I'm sure everyone has experienced a story like that at least once in their lifetime. Now to follow onto story #2 about this. Immediately after my dinner, we go to Sams Club to do some shopping. I'm pushing my kids around in a "state of the art (POS)" shopping cart, and of course the cart was full of shit, so it was a pain in the ass to manuver. We got our shopping almost done in record timing...when it happens again. Handicaps... But this one is different...it's the ever so rare old, obese woman cruising around in those electric carts. Just about to grab a gallon of milk from the coolers, I see this lady come around the corner and almost smack right into my cart...and to my surprise stares me down until I move out of her way. At this point, my patience has grown thin. So I did what any other asshole, er, I mean nice guy would have done! Thats right, not only did I NOT move, but I was doing the ol' "date checks" on every fuckin gallon of milk I could get my hands on. Instant glory! Pissed her off to the bone! Now, had she been a nicer lady, and not given me the look of death, I might have moved out of her way. Not this time scumbag!

And to finish up on this entry, I ask one thing. Exactly what does it take to be considered handicapped?? A missing leg? Partially Blind? Deaf? All acceptable. A paper cut? A bleeding AX WOUND? A lazy piece of shit? Hell no!

I'll cap your ass, fool!

I'll start off saying that I'm not intending this blog to become some military/politics basis. It just so happens that yet, another story comes from my reserves. Also, I'm not one to brag or "pat myself on the back." I've always thought of myself to be fairly humble. But since there is history to this story, not to mention the TONS of trash talk that occurs on XBOX live about my skills for shooting, I feel it's acceptable.

While in the Wonder-Land of XBOX live, I've been called many names... From the Christmas Newb catagory, names have rolled off kids tongues like "dousche bag, fag, bitch-tits," you name it. But none are as original as what comes from the Barghest group. Countless times I've heard, "Campy McCamperson, Camping Fuck, Camping Whore, Sniping Whore," and my favorite (although I'll admit it took me a while to like it) "Seawall." It's hard to be good at cooking smore's and pitching tents for everyone. But I seem to like my sniping haven from the moon! Well, finally, all the Halo 2 and Call of Duty 2 games have paid off. Ace finally got his medal. This past weekend, I qualified as "Expert Marksmanship" with the M-16. So to all you bitches that motivated me along the way, I thank you. Any time I hear your words of encouragement, I'll be forever thankful. LOL

Good to Know...

Recently completing weekend "duty" for my newly assigned reserve unit, I stopped at a gas station to get a drink for the hour or so ride home. Now, I wasn't familiar with the area so of course I was cautious of my surroundings. While still in uniform , I go inside, grab a bottle of Gatorade, paid for it, and walked back to my vehicle. Enroute to my vehicle, I hear a truck driving slowly behind me to finally stop, then hear a door close. Not really thinking about it too much, I continue to my vehicle and get in. I no sooner put my seat belt on, and I hear a knock on my window. An old, brittle, gentleman was standing at my door, waiting for me to put down my window. I cracked the window and asked what he needed. He smiled and said, "Sir, I would like to take the time to thank you for serving our country. No matter what is going on in the world, or whoever is in charge of you, always know that there are millions of Americans greatful for the job you all do." Caught off gaurd, I simply just thanked him and gave a hand shake. I watched him walk away in my side view mirror, get back in his truck, and the old gentleman and his wife waved goodbye.

Now, this didn't strike me right away as being a big deal...but think about it. How many times does the average person have something positive to say? Usually if something doesn't go as planned, we're quick to be negative whether it's a comment or an action. I wondered if people would give positive feedback (when credit is due), would it possibly go as far as helping with global relations. As unlikely as that would happen, it ran through my mind on the long drive home. We all can agree the ease of giving seeing the results of negative feedback, but imagine what could happen with positive feedback. Try it, and see what happens.

As far as the older gentleman, I thank you for your up-lifting comments. It's good to know that there still is people that appriciate what others do.